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1000 days

August 29, 2019


When your child dies tragically at a young age and especially when they die by suicide, you're always trying to figure things out. What I've learned since his death is...you can't. And I've stopped trying.


Being a woman of faith for many years tells me that oftentimes in our humanness we are simply unable to figure out everything, that the intricate workings of Him just can't be understood...or can it? Parts of it I believe are revealed to us, the parts that need to be revealed so that we can move forward in our never-ending grief, so we can make decisions that need to be made. Other parts are kept hidden from us as they would be too painful to endure. Yes, even more painful than our child's death/suicide.


My only child was 28 years old when he took his life in that hotel room. Kyle couldn't see beyond his pain, couldn't see a solution and unfortunately not too many people tried to help him find one. The people that had the resources, the connections to help him, turned their backs on him. There were ones only thinking about themselves and their lives, not wanting it disrupted over trying to help their loved one with severe mental problems. Then there was one who had been pushed to her limits, physically, mentally and emotionally, who needed help herself.


Was there a solution? Could he have been helped...saved? Hours before he took his life he did cry out for help, and I believe he received it from Him, the One that could give him help. It just wasn't the help the ones that loved him most hoped he'd receive. 


I may upset some folks by saying this. However, after 10 years of the roller coaster called mental illness, it was hard for me to see beyond all of it; it still is. His own mother couldn't see a mentally healthy and happy son as she hadn't seen him healthy and happy in a very long time. So, was his death, his suicide at age 28 destined? I don't know. It's that part of what can't be completely understood. Don't misunderstand me; there's no way I wished death upon my only child. There's an emptiness within me that's hard to describe, a longing to hear him say 'hey, Momma'...and just to see him walk into the room. Oh, how I miss my boy. I do know this...if there had been any other way possible, I believe He would've made it happen. I believe He cries right along with me in my grief as there's no way He wanted His child to die, either. That is not my God.


I look at it this way. There are so many pieces of this puzzle called our lives, and in order to get all of these pieces to fit together, to make us whole, some things have to happen and some things don't happen. We can pray endlessly for something in our lives, but if it doesn't get us to where we ultimately need to be, whatever and wherever that may be, it won't get answered in that way, but another one will and so on. We'll have prayers answered that we never knew needed answering. And you sit back in awe of how things happen, those pieces of the puzzle fitting when you never again thought they would. And you thank God for answering unspoken prayers of what your heart and soul truly needed and for revealing to you at least that much, a glimpse of how He works and you say, "that is my God." 


#suicideawareness #myoneandonly #forever28 #loveandmisshimalways #stillbeingfitted #john13:7



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